Using Dialectical Thinking to Manage Emotions

Dialectics are two opposing forces, feelings, or situations that happen simultaneously. Dialectic statements include, “It is raining AND it is sunny outside,” “I feel happy AND sad,” and “I love you AND I’m taking a break from you right now.” Dialectics is at work all of the time, especially nowadays. Quarantine is hard AND we will get through it. By thinking and acting dialectically, you can keep your emotions calm AND you can look through a new lens to see two truths in a situation.

Dialectics is the foundation of DBT—in fact, the word is even in the name! It teaches us that there is an opposite of everything and we tend to be most effective when we find balance between opposites. Dialectics means balance, and in DBT, it is particularly important to balance the idea of acceptance and change. It’s very difficult to stay in a neutral or calm emotional state lately if you use the word “but” often or if you tend to discount positives with negatives.

Manage your emotions more effectively and keep your cool by practicing dialectics! Here are some tips on how to think and act dialectically right now:

Accept that the universe is filled with opposites.
Recognize that there is always more than one way to see a situation, and there is always more than one solution to a problem. Consider alternatives to your automatic thinking. For example, if you are conditioned to say to yourself, “it is raining outside, so today will be a horrible day” or “I know you cleaned your room, BUT it isn’t good enough,” you are likely to feel a rise in negative emotional temperature. Consider that it can rain AND it still be a good day indoors, or that a person can clean a room AND it isn’t up to standards.

Balance opposites and let go of extremes.Two things that seem like opposites can both be true. Monitor and evaluate your language when thinking about yourself, others, or situations. Replace “always/never” with “sometimes,” replace “either/or” with “both/and, “ and replace “but” with “AND.” Take stock of your thinking and speech as you speak, and catch yourself when you speak in extremes. Then replace your language by restating that same thought in your head or rephrasing that sentence out loud.

Practice parenting from a dialectical approach.Effective parenting requires validation AND rules, as well as expectations AND flexibility. Consider your stance on certain rules or boundaries in your family and highlight areas where you need to soften up or tighten up. If you find yourself making statements like, “I know that you are proud of the B you got on your math test but I know you can do better,” restate using a dialectic. You might rephrase that sentence to, “You got a B on your math test AND I’m wondering if you might be able to do even better.” If you say, “I know you want a snack right now but I am working,” replace it with, “You are hungry for a snack AND I have confidence that you can make it yourself.” You can show your child that you understand their perspective and offer your opinion using dialectics.

Dialectics is an integral part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT. It teaches us to find balance between two opposite ends of the spectrum. It also allows us to validate others’ feelings AND share our beliefs simultaneously. It’s both validating and transactional. When acting dialectically, you are stating two facts that are both true and you are also suggesting alternatives or possibilities.

Think about ways in which you can begin adding dialectical thoughts or actions into your life right now. Maybe you can accept a frustrating situation without it limiting you by recognizing that opposites can both be true. Maybe you can be mindful of your language and integrate dialectical statements in the morning to start your day off on a positive note. Maybe you can talk to your child in a dialectical way in order to reduce conflicts. By integrating dialectics you’re your daily routine, you can better manage your emotions during these unsettling times.