How to Advocate for Yourself in your Relationships
Do you ever feel like your relationships aren’t going well for you? Do you find that you give in more often than not? Do you tend to have a passive role in your relationships?
This could be any kind of relationship: a romantic relationship, a family relationship, a friendship, a work partnership, and so on. No matter what interaction you’re struggling with, don’t worry! Relationships can be tricky at times. It can be challenging to ask for what you want or to find the courage to say “no” when you’re uncomfortable.
If you’re looking for a way to improve your assertiveness, try this DBT skill: the DEARMAN skill! It’s an interpersonal effectiveness skill, which means that it’s designed to help you communicate better with others. It teaches you how to calmly and effectively ask and receive. Let’s learn about how it works…
D: Describe - First, share the facts about the situation, and stick to just the facts. Tell the story from an outside point of view, like a third-person narrator.
E: Express - Now you can express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Label feelings as feelings and opinions as opinions. Remember to remain non-judgmental. Use I-statements to explain how you feel without blaming and attacking the other person.
A: Assert - Now is the moment to be direct. Ask for what you want clearly; you cannot assume that the other person already knows what you want. If you’re trying to set a boundary, say NO clearly and directly. Make it clear if someone is asking you to do something that you are not comfortable doing.
R: Reinforce - This is one of the most important steps. Find something of value that will help persuade the other person to say yes without bribing or threatening. (Note: this takes time and practice!) Share the positive and/or negative impacts of the other person doing or not doing what you ask. The goal is to find a reason or reward that reinforces what you want or the boundary that you are trying to set.
M: Mindfulness - Stay focused on your goal. Ignore attempts to change the topic, distractions, aggression, or threats. Be a broken record; keep asking or saying no over and over again. Sometimes you need to say the same thing multiple times before someone truly hears you. Take a break or walk away to stay in Wise Mind!
A: Appear confident - Confidence doesn’t always come naturally. However if you think positive, you’re more likely to appear confident. Show confidence through your body language and demeanor: make eye contact, speak clearly, and assert yourself.
N: Negotiate - Remember that you may not get exactly what you want. Be willing to compromise. You may have to offer alternative options or find a happy medium. You may have to give in on some things in order to reach your ultimate goal. You can also turn the tables and ask others what a good solution might consist of.
You can get more out of your relationships by using the DEARMAN skill. That way, you’re enjoying your interactions and not feeling like you’re suffering from them. Practice using DEARMAN first with people you’re comfortable with. Then as you build confidence and mastery with the skill, use it to be assertive in relationships where you truly need to stick up for yourself.
DEARMAN skill is very helpful for people who find themselves struggling to find words to effectively ask for something, or for people who have difficulty setting boundaries or turning people down due to guilt or fear. You can begin enjoying positive, meaningful relationships today!