How to Communicate with Teens who Talk Back
Do you find yourself in constant conflict with your teen? It may likely start with your child talking back or acting up, and it only escalates from there. It’s not uncommon for this to happen, and it’s certainly not pleasant either. Luckily, there are ways to avoid communication breakdowns and emotional meltdowns. By being mindful, keeping your emotions in check, and implementing DBT skills, you can deal with your teen’s back talk more effectively. Here are some tips to navigate conflict with your teen without facing an emotional rollercoaster….
Be mindful of your emotional state -
When your teen is arguing with you, it’s easy to let your emotions escalate without even realizing it. Therefore, the best thing you can do is to be mindful of how you’re feeling. You can’t control how your child will feel, but you can control how you feel and how you respond to their frustration. Before you respond to your teen, check in with yourself. Take a step back and take note of your emotional temperature. If you are having difficulty staying calm in the moment, it’s okay to leave the room, take a breath, and come back with a cooler head. In DBT, it’s called taking a “brief vacation.” It means taking a limited break where you will return to and address what needed to be discussed afterwards. This may give both you and your teen the space to regroup and have a levelheaded discussion.
Set expectations surrounding communication -
You can reduce diminish rebellious behavior and reduce conflict by setting expectations around communication. Clearly explain your expectations to your teen and the consequences that will come if they don’t abide by them. For example, you may say that “We will not use offensive verbal language in this house. If you do, you will get your phone taken away for the rest of the night.” Be sure to follow through so your teen will take you seriously. Additionally, model the behavior that you wish to see. Don’t start yelling at the server who didn’t get your order right; instead, take a calm approach and treat others the way that you want your child to treat you.
Encourage positive behavior -
Encourage your teen to express themselves in healthy ways. Be a resource for them to come to when they’re feeling frustrated, so they can express their feelings without hurling insults. Ask them about how they’re feeling; go deeper than a “how was your day?” Start a dialogue to help your child talk about and better understand their feelings. Praise your child when they express their feelings in healthy ways. You could say “I’m so glad you brought this up,” or “You did a great job of keeping your cool, even though I know you’re really upset about this.” Providing praise and positive feedback is validating for teens, and it can motivate them to talk about their emotions more often. You can offer constructive feedback as well, but the goal is to not only focus on areas of change, but to also highlight the things that they are doing well.
Use DEARMAN -
DEARMAN is a DBT skill that can help you navigate conflicts with your teen. Here’s a step-by-step on how it works:
Describe - Ask your teen to describe simply the facts of what is going on currently.
Express - Ask your teen to express how they are feeling in the moment or as a response to what is going on around them. Encourage your child to use “I Feel” statements.
Assert - Ask your teen to assert themselves and ask for what they want from you very clearly.
Reinforce - Ask your teen to have a discussion with you about what may be a benefit for you regarding their request.
Mindfulness - Ask for your teen to stay focused on their request in conversation with you. If distractions or verbal aggression occurs, it may be helpful to take a break at this point.
Appear Confident - Ask your teen to speak appropriately towards you and convey confidence in their request.
Negotiate - Ask your teen to negotiate and compromise with you and at the same time it will be extremely helpful to negotiate along with them. Be willing to give on some things to get others and vice versa. At times it may be helpful to ask your teen what they feel a solution may be.
It’s not easy dealing with teens and their daily difficulties. The next time you find yourself in a conflict with your teen, use these steps as a framework. Approach the situation with mindfulness, expect and model positive communication skills, and use DEARMAN to redirect the conversation. You can open up a supportive dialogue with your teen, so that they feel comfortable talking about their feelings rather than lashing out as a means to deal with them. Over time and with consistency, your can reduce your teen’s need to engage in back talk to express themselves.