How to Help Your Child ‘Check the Facts’ on Their Emotions

Emotions have a strong influence on our thoughts while our thoughts also have a strong influence on our emotions. When navigating interactions with others we can often experience strong emotional reactions that impact the way we perceive the situation. This requires us to tap into conflict resolution skills. 

My friend was recently running late for dinner plans with me, which caused me to feel anger and frustration. I thought to myself, “wow, they really have no respect for me!” I started to become increasingly angry, found myself tense and hot, and had an urge to yell at my friend when they arrived.

Because my feelings were so intense, I decided to take a step back to reflect on my DBT skills, which is when I remembered Check the Facts. Check the Facts helps you modify your response to a level that is appropriate for the situation or respond with a more fitting emotion. This skill can be helpful in reducing conflicts and resolving conflicts when they occur.

The first step was to ask myself if the way I was feeling and thinking about the situation was factual and to find the evidence to support the facts of the situation. Remember that evidence is not a belief; it can be proven. Considering my situation, the only fact I could prove was that my friend was late. I did not have evidence as to why they were late or what that meant about our relationship. I decided to abandon the judgmental thoughts circling my mind and focus on active listening when my friend arrived. There could be many reasons as to why they were late, and they might even need my support! If I hadn’t checked the facts this could have led to an inappropriate response from me and caused conflict between us.

Check the Facts can be helpful in other stressful situations as well! Some important questions to consider when using Check the Facts include the following:

What is the event contributing to my emotional response?

What is my perception about the event? Does it fit the facts?

Am I assuming there is a risk or threat? Will it actually occur?

What is the worst case scenario? If it occurs, how can I cope with it?

Does my emotion and its level of intensity match the facts of the situation?

As a parent, these types of questions are a great resource to use the next time tension is rising at home. Whether it’s in your own heart, or emotions are getting big in your child’s body, these are some great questions to walk through to analyze any situation in a logical, healthy way. These questions not only help us to calm down and reflect, but they also bring us into a space of understanding others from a more accepting stance. The next time you notice your child or teen is feeling big emotions, take a moment to walk through these questions, and discuss the results or changes of feelings these questions, and their answers, might bring up.