Learning Skills for Interpersonal Communication
Strong interpersonal communication skills are essential for building meaningful relationships, resolving conflicts, and expressing ourselves effectively. Whether in personal or professional settings, the ability to communicate clearly, assertively, and respectfully can have a positive impact on your interactions with others and increase your desired outcomes.
One of the most effective tools for improving interpersonal effectiveness comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)—the DEAR MAN skill. This structured approach helps individuals get what they want, make requests, set boundaries, or handle difficult discussions. By learning and applying this DBT skill, you can enhance your people skills, improve conflict resolution, and foster healthy relationships.
What Is DEAR MAN?
DEAR MAN is an acronym that outlines key steps for assertive and effective communication. It helps people express their needs, feelings, and opinions while maintaining respect for both themselves and others.
✔ D – Describe the situation clearly and objectively.
✔ E – Express your feelings about the situation.
✔ A – Assert your needs or make your request firmly.
✔ R – Reinforce the benefits of your request.
✔ M – Stay mindful and focused on your goal.
✔ A – Appear confident, using appropriate body language and tone of voice.
✔ N – Negotiate, offering alternative solutions if needed.
This structured approach can be applied in a variety of situations, from problem-solving discussions with colleagues to personal conversations about boundaries and emotional needs.
Breaking Down the DEAR MAN Skill
D – Describe the Situation
Start by describing the situation in objective, factual terms. Avoid exaggeration or blaming, as this can make the other person defensive.
Example:
❌ "You never help clean up after dinner!"
✅ "I’ve noticed that I’ve done the dishes and cleaned the kitchen after dinner for the past 3 weeks while you’ve watched TV in the living room."
A clear description lays the groundwork for common ground and better understanding.
E – Express Your Feelings and Opinions
Next, communicate how the situation affects you emotionally. Be honest, and remain calm. Instead of expecting someone to read your mind or assuming they know how you feel, openly share your experience. Use “I statements” to continue to decrease defensiveness.
Example:
❌ "I shouldn’t even have to ask you to help!"
✅ "I feel angry and disregarded when I handle the housework alone."
Being direct and respectful ensures your feelings are acknowledged.
A – Assert Your Needs or Make Your Request
Clearly state what you need or want. Use direct language, rather than hinting or being passive-aggressive.
Example:
❌ "I guess I’ll just keep doing everything myself, then."
✅ "I’d like us to clean up the kitchen after dinner together."
This step is about making your request known without guilt-tripping or hostility.
R – Reinforce the Benefits
Explain how cooperation will positively impact both parties. Reinforcement increases the likelihood of cooperation. What’s in it for the other person? What are the mutually beneficial rewards?
Example:
❌ "You need to do your part."
✅ "If we split the work, we’ll both have more free time to relax together, and I’ll be less stressed in the evenings."
When people see the benefits, they are more likely to be receptive to your request.
M – Stay Mindful and On-Topic
Distractions, interruptions, or emotional reactions can derail a conversation. Stay focused on your request and avoid getting sidetracked by unrelated arguments.
If the person tries to change the subject, bring the focus back. If the person says, “Well, I get the kids bathed before bed throughout the week! I just want some time to relax!” Repeat your ask. “I greatly appreciate all you do for the kids, especially at bedtime. If we both clean up after dinner together, I’ll have more time and energy to assist even more at bath time.”
If emotions escalate, remain calm and composed.
A – Appear Confident
Your verbal and non-verbal cues matter just as much as your words. Maintain eye contact, keep a steady tone of voice, and use confident body language to reinforce your message.
✔ Stand or sit up straight
✔ Avoid whispering, staring at the floor, or crossing your arms defensively
✔ Speak in a calm, even tone
Confidence helps ensure your message is taken seriously.
N – Negotiate If Necessary
In some situations, flexibility is key. If your request isn’t immediately accepted, be open to alternative solutions that still meet your needs. Be willing to GIVE to GET.
Example:
"If cleaning up after dinner together every night doesn’t feel doable, maybe we can alternate each day, so we can each get some time for ourselves."
Being willing to negotiate fosters common ground and leads to better outcomes for both parties.
Practicing DEAR MAN in Real Life
To improve your interpersonal communication skills using DEAR MAN, try these exercises:
✔ Role-play scenarios with a friend or therapist to build confidence.
✔ Practice active listening, ensuring you hear and acknowledge others' responses. Listen to understand rather than to just respond.
✔ Use DEAR MAN in low-stakes situations first, like requesting a small favor, before applying it in more significant conversations.
The more you practice, the more natural and effective this skill will become in daily life. If you struggle with assertiveness, conflict resolution, or social confidence, professional support can help.
At Mindsoother Therapy Center, we specialize in DBT skills training to help individuals develop strong interpersonal skills, manage emotions, tolerate distress, and navigate relationships effectively.
We provide therapy services for individuals and families in Livingston, NJ, and surrounding areas. If you’re ready to enhance your people skills and improve your interpersonal relationships, contact us today to schedule a session.