Messages from your Teens about Social Distancing
Social distancing is difficult for everyone. Staying at home causes tensions to run high in the family. For parents of teens, this makes your relationship with your child even more complicated to manage. How do you know what your teen needs during this troublesome time? How can you best support your child? Here are three messages that your teen needs you to hear about social distancing and COVID-19.
EMOTIONS:
“I’m SAD. Please give me time and space to feel this way and to grieve. I lost a lot. Social distancing is hard! Can you validate me instead of telling me how it’s hard for everyone right now? Let me feel what I feel and let that be okay.”
Human beings are social creatures by nature and social connection is an essential part of healthy adolescent development. Teens are becoming increasingly independent while confronting their gender and sexual identity, mastery and self-esteem.
The loss of in-person social connection will cause many teens to feel isolated and alone; it will instantly cause them to lose their esteem barometer. They won’t be able to look around for comparison and be able to tell themselves, “I’m okay.”
Having less opportunity to have fun and be silly and hang loose with their friends is a BIG loss for teens. This is what they look forward to. This is their lifeline, their energy. Parents need to acknowledge that.
Being sad right now makes sense. Let them feel it. Acknowledge and validate the feeling with statements like, “I hear you” or “I get it.” They will get used to social distancing, although they may never learn to like it. Watch out for signs of depression like social isolation and withdrawal from online contact with friends, like low mood, low energy, crying, lack of appetite and disruption in sleep.
AUTONOMY:
“I feel like I am losing ALL control…please don’t be a helicopter. I’m afraid—not necessarily about Coronavirus, but definitely about losing my autonomy. Can you let me make some decisions for myself? Can you relax some of the house rules that existed before so that I can feel more in control of my life and less restricted? Can we decide together what family time looks like?”
Teens feel a sense of autonomy while out of the house and away from parents, especially at school. They get to decide what pencil to use, how to do their homework, where to sit in the cafeteria and what to buy in the lunch line. They decide who they speak to and what they say.
And in an instant, this opportunity for autonomy is gone. How can you help you teen continue to feel autonomous while you are all living and working in the house together? What are some ways you can allow your teen to have some control over decisions?
Perhaps your teen can make dinner for the family one night? Perhaps your teen can pick the game that the family plays and/or can make up the rules? Perhaps your teen can have some space on the weekends to set their own bedtime?
What are some ways you can keep autonomy front of mind so that your teen has some space?
LIFE LESSONS:
“I know it’s your job to parent me and teach me valuable lessons so that I can have a healthy and prosperous future. Please don’t take every opportunity that this pandemic will bring to teach me. It will be overwhelming. Please find essential lessons and let’s have a dialogue and not a lecture. Ask me what I think. Keep the lines of communication open, but let’s keep it short so I don’t feel pressure.”
When this pandemic is over, we will ALL have learned a lot! This will happen from the natural order as things as we all traverse a new road. Allow your teen to make his/her/their own interpretations and conclusions. Share as a family and really listen to each other about what everyone is thinking. Take a non-judgmental stance and allow everyone in the family to think and feel.
Ask how your teen is feeling; mind your urge to correct it or give examples of others who have it far worse. Teens are inherently ego-centric and this is where they should be. They often can’t see beyond their limited scope and that’s okay. Let them stay in their world while also sharing your opinions and feelings during family share time.
Don’t try to convince your teen that there is another perspective out there. Share, but don’t force. Listen without judgment. Teens appreciate this!
Parenting a teen can be difficult during the best of circumstances. Understand your teen’s development stage and allow space for feeling and sharing. By recognizing your teen’s perspective, you can provide the support that he/she/they needs to get through the foreseeable future.