Talking To Your Kids About Divorce
It’s been a roller coaster of a ride and you feel emotionally drained. There are many logistics to consider, but the biggest one weighing on your mind? It’s how to tell the kids. Here are some helpful tips when talking to your children about divorce…
Make a plan -
Discuss with your partner beforehand the reason you are giving for the divorce. Provide an answer that is honest, age-appropriate and respectful of each other. “Dad and Mom are fighting too much and would be happier as friends. We have tried working things out but our constant conflict isn’t healthy for our family.” Whichever reason, make sure the explanation is specific to the parents. For instance, with the prior example, be sure to explain that fighting and arguing can be normal among those who care about each other, but that parents never divorce their children.
Plan a time when both parents can be present to have this discussion and before any changes in living arrangements have been made. A quiet, safe and familiar setting without distractions is best.
Give clear expectations and keep familiar routines -
Once you have talked to them about the divorce, let children know how their living arrangement or schedule will change. For younger children it can be helpful to use a calendar to show what days they will be spending with which parent. When possible, keep previous routines the same. Maintaining familiar schedules can provide feelings of comfort and safety during this transitional period. This can be as simple as keeping a young child's nighttime routine of dinner, bath, story and bedtime or telling a teen that, “Mom will still drive you to all your violin classes.” Keeping household rules and expectations the same, such as screen time rules and curfew, will also help facilitate familiarity.
Listen and reassure -
Give time to listen to your children’s responses. Help them name their emotions like anger or sadness and validate that it is a normal response to what is happening. Many children blame themselves for their parents separating. Reassure your child that there wasn’t anything they did to cause the divorce. Moreso, that there isn’t anything they could do for you to stay together. Remind them that divorce is an adult decision and that both parents will still be in their lives and always love them.
Act as a team -
Divorce doesn’t mean you stop parenting together. It is more important than ever to stand together as a team during this time of change. This will help reduce stress and minimize tension for your children as they adapt to the new family dynamic. With that in mind, be careful how you communicate around your children.
Don’t argue in front of the children. Take it elsewhere or agree to discuss it at another time.
Don’t assign blame or speak negatively about the other parent in front of your children. Doing so makes children feel they need to take sides. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame and anger.
Don’t use your children to pass information. Children are not referees and placing this adult responsibility on them can cause undue stress and worry about what the parents will think of them.
Divorce is never an easy decision and coming to agreements can often be a daunting task. However, reminding yourself that your children’s well-being is the main priority can shift your mindset to what is important. Finding outlets of support for yourself will also help. If you are noticing intense feelings of anger, anxiety or depression in yourself or children, it may be time to seek professional help.