Talking To Your Teen About Self-Harm

Unfortunately, self-harm is on the rise. 15% of teens and 17-35% of young adults and college-students self-harm, according to recent data. While it can be difficult to talk about, it’s important to create an open dialogue to talk about self-harm and self-injury with your teen or young adult. Having a safe space to discuss this topic, as well as mental health in general, can help you and your young adult deal with this important issue and get treatment, if needed. How do you begin this conversation? And what should the discussion about self-harm look like? Here’s everything you need to know to get the conversation started…

First, it is important to understand what self-harm and what it can look like. Most people think of self-harm as cutting or burning, but it can take other forms too. Punching walls or intentionally harming yourself are additional forms of self-harm. Binge eating or starvation is another type of self-harm too, and it may be a warning sign of an eating disorder. Substance abuse can also be a form of self-harm, as well as engaging in risky behaviors. Any type of activity that puts the body or mind in harm's way can be considered self-harm. 

Some warning signs of self-harm include: 

• Unexplained injuries

• Depressive moods

• Difficulty handling emotions 

• Poor functioning in work, school, or home

• Irritability and aggressive outbursts

• Dressing inappropriately for the weather (such as hoodies or oversized long sleeves during warm weather)

• Suddenly washing clothes separately 

• Hiding potentially dangerous objects (such as lighters or razors)

• Lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities 

• Isolation

This is not an extensive list, but noticing some of these behavioral changes in your teen may indicate that you need to sit down and approach the topic of depression, mental health, and self-harm.

It can be hard to know what to say when you are concerned that your child may be hurting themselves. Here are some tips in approaching the heavy topic:

1. Stay Calm -
   It can be a natural reaction to get angry at your child for doing this to themselves. Parents always try to protect their children from the dangers of the world, but it’s another thing to protect your child from themselves. However, getting angry will only escalate the situation, and your child needs the comfort of their parents now more than ever. Take a deep breath and approach the situation with love and care instead. 

2. Show Concern -
   While you don’t want to appear angry during this conversation, you want to demonstrate that you are concerned and express to them that this is not a healthy way to cope. Let your child know that you are concerned and that you care for their wellbeing. Most teens who engage in self harm feel alone—they feel like no one cares. It is important to show them just how much you care about them.

3. Keep Judgements to a Minimum -
   There is a lot of stigma surrounding self-harm and depression. Try to not be judgmental; rather, engage in active listening. Maybe you can’t understand why your child would want to engage in this behavior, but you can listen and try to make them feel like they are not alone. Showing that you simply want to listen and not judge, will make your child more likely to open up and talk about it.

4. Validate their feelings -
   For someone to engage in self-harm, they must be in a great deal of pain. Let your child know that you see them hurting and that you just want to help. Your child may feel ashamed or stupid for letting someone find out about what’s occurring. They may want to close off even more and isolate. Let your child know that it is okay to feel these emotions and be upset, but their unhealthy reaction to such emotions is not okay. 

5. Discuss Treatment Options -
   Some teens engage in this self-destructive behavior because they don’t know how to cope with depression, anxiety or other mental health issues. Let your child know that there are other options. They could go to individual or group counseling, or seek help from a school guidance counselor. Educating them about healthy ways to deal with these feelings is important.

Naturally, it can be concerning and upsetting to discover that your child is engaging in self-harm. You want the best for your child, and you don’t want them to be in stress or in pain. The best thing you can do as a parent is to support your teen or young adult through this challenging time. Be there to talk about their feelings and struggles. Provide them with options for treatment, and discuss which option may be most appropriate for them. Most importantly, let your child know that they are not alone.