Using Dialectical Thinking to Manage Emotions

Dialectics is the idea that more than one opposing fact, feeling, or situation can be true at the same time. Some examples of dialectic statements include: “I feel happy about my new job AND I feel sad about leaving my current position,” “I love my sister AND I’m really hurt by what she said to me at dinner,” “I worked really hard on my project AND I could have not procrastinated so long,” etc. Dialectics is at work all of the time, and helps us to create perspective. By thinking dialectically, we can better manage our emotions by seeing the kernels of truth in different situations. Dialectics is one of the foundational Skills of DBT, as it’s in the name, Dialectical Behavior Therapy! It teaches us that we tend to be most effective when we can hold the tension between acceptance and change, as in finding the balance of accepting things as they constantly change, and changing what we accept. 

Here are some tips on how to think and act dialectically right now:

Accept that the universe is filled with opposites.
Recognize that there is always more than one way to see a situation, and there is always more than one solution to a problem. Consider alternatives to your automatic thinking. For example, if you are conditioned to say to yourself, “it is raining outside, so today will be a horrible day” or “I know you cleaned your room, BUT it isn’t good enough,” you are likely to feel a rise in negative emotional temperature. Consider that it can rain AND it can still be a good day indoors, or that a person can clean a room AND it may not be up to standards.

Balance opposites and let go of extremes.

Two things that seem like opposites can both be true. Monitor and evaluate your language when thinking about yourself, others, or situations. Replace “always/never” with “sometimes,” replace “either/or” with “both/and, “ and replace “but” with “AND.” Take stock of your thinking and thig, and catch yourself when you speak in extremes. Then replace your language by restating that same thought in your head or rephrasing that sentence out loud.

Practice parenting from a dialectical approach.

Effective parenting requires validation AND boundaries, expectations AND flexibility. Consider your stance on certain rules in your family and highlight areas where you might need to soften up or become more firm. If you find yourself making statements like, “I know that you are proud of the B you got on your math test but I know you can do better,” restate using a dialectic. You might rephrase that sentence to, “You got a B on your math test AND I’m wondering if you would be able to do even better if you prepared more.” If you’d say, “I know you want a snack right now but we just had lunch,” replace it with, “You seem hungry for a snack AND I have confidence that you can wait until dinner.” You can show your child that you understand their experience AND offer your perspective using dialectics. When using dialectics, you are stating things that are true AND also suggesting alternative truths.

Think about ways in which you can begin adding dialectical thoughts or actions into your life right now. Maybe you can reframe a frustrating situation by taking into consideration other perspectives. Maybe you can be mindful of your language and integrate dialectical statements in the morning to start your day off on a positive note. Maybe you can talk to your child in a dialectical way in order to reduce conflicts. By integrating dialectics into your daily routine, you can better manage your emotions during times of uncertainty.