Why It's Important to Let Your Kids Fail

It’s natural—we don’t want our kids to fail. When we see them struggling, our instincts tell us to jump in before they reach danger, whether it’s real danger or perceived. We give our children advice and intervene when we think they are making the “wrong” decisions. However, the truth is that even though seeing our kids fail is hard, it is important to let them do so. Failure will make them stronger, as difficult as it is to witness. Here are some reasons why we should consider taking a step back…

1. Failure is a part of life, and they need to be prepared for it.
   Unfortunately, failure is a part of life. Forgetting a deadline at school or missing your train are just two examples of little “failures” we face on a typical day. We’re also destined to face more impactful failures, like not getting into the college we want or not getting the job we want. Failure is a part of life, whether we like it or not.
   If we don’t let children fail, they won’t be prepared for when life doesn’t go their way—because it is bound to not go their way from time to time. If our children don’t know what it’s like to make mistakes and fail, then they won’t have the emotional tools to deal with it. At the moment maybe they’re disappointed, but eventually they will be okay. And they’ll learn what it's like to fail, so in the future they can recognize ways to either avoid making the same mistake again, or deal with the difficult emotion as it arises.

2. Letting your kid fail sets them up for higher self-esteem later in life. 
   A study conducted by the Department of Psychology at Stanford found that “...parents who see failure as debilitating focus on their children’s performance and ability rather than on their children’s learning, and their children, in turn, tend to believe that intelligence is fixed rather than malleable.”
   Basically, parents who don’t let their children experience failure may set an unfair expectation for their kids. They set a precedent that their intelligence cannot be improved. This leads kids to believe that they shouldn’t try something because failure will be detrimental, and there’s no hope for getting better. This can lower self-esteem when children eventually get a bad grade on a test, homework, or project. Students can’t be perfect all the time, and when they slip it will be that much more devastating to them because they will feel like they can’t fix it. 

3. Failure shouldn’t be feared.
   By allowing your child to fail, you’re letting them know that it's okay. Everyone will fail at some point. It's normal. When you shield your child from failure you’re telling them that failure is something they should never experience. In turn, failure becomes a scary aspect—one that they’re not ready for and that they will try to avoid at all costs. 

4. It will shape your own view of failure.
   Let’s face it: as adults, we don’t want to fail either. It’s not a fun feeling to do something wrong or miss the mark we set for ourselves. But by having small failures become something normal in your family, you may learn to ease up on the judgments you make of yourself and of others. You may also become better equipped to deal with bigger failures better. 

Failure isn’t fun. The feelings of disappointment, frustration, and embarrassment that may come with failure are hard to swallow. As uncomfortable as it is to fail, it’s part of life. It’s what makes us human. It’s important to let our kids fail so that they can build the coping skills to deal with failure. It’s better that they get a taste of it now with smaller problems like missing the bus than later on when they miss an important job interview. This will prepare them to cope with larger failures that come later in life. The more they fail, the more they will learn and grow. And you will get to learn and grow alongside them.