Even well-planned playdates go wrong sometimes. A game may turn into an argument, or your child may do something they’re embarrassed about. Once the friend goes home, you’re left with a child who may be upset or quiet, and you have to decide what to say. How you talk to your child after a bad playdate may shape how much they tell you and what they try next time.
Cooling down after a playdate
If your child is still very upset, they may not be ready to talk. Strong feelings make it harder for kids to think through what happened, and starting this conversation too soon may turn into an argument. Your child may need to settle down with a snack or a few minutes alone first.
As your child is spending some time cooling down, you might notice your own immediate inclination to smooth it over, rush in to fix it or use the moment to teach a quick lesson. However, your child is usually not in a state to absorb that guidance. Furthermore, parents often find themselves having an emotional reaction to the events. Give yourself a moment to pause. If you’re embarrassed or frustrated about how the playdate went, give yourself a few minutes to cool off, so your tone doesn’t add to your child’s distress.
Five steps for talking after a bad playdate
Once you’re both calm, these steps may help guide the conversation.
- Start with what went well. Name a few specific things your child did right, like “Offering snacks to your friend was so thoughtful,” before you bring up the problem. If the conversation opens with what went wrong, your child may feel attacked and stop listening. Starting with the positives shows your child that you noticed the good parts of the playdate, too, so the correction that follows may feel like one piece of the conversation instead of the whole thing.
- Let your child tell the whole story. Many parents start offering solutions within a minute or two, and your child may need more time to sort out how they feel. Kids may save the most important part for last, after they’ve tested whether it’s safe to talk, so let them finish before you offer suggestions.
- Keep the focus on this playdate. Bringing up other times things went badly may make your child feel like you’re just picking at their faults.
- Ask what they’d like to try next time. You might say, “Next time you’re playing Monopoly and you start losing, what do you want to try?” Give your child a minute to think, and let them share their own ideas first if they’re able to. If they get stuck, you can step in with a suggestion. Kids may stick with a plan they helped create, because it feels like theirs. A quick role-play may make the new approach easier to recall when the same situation comes up again.
- Use dialectics to find the middle ground. When kids are upset, they often fall into black-and-white thinking: “Everything is ruined,” “Nobody likes me,” or “That game is stupid.” Gently introduce dialectical thinking, the idea of holding two opposing truths at once, to help them allow for their opposing feelings. You might say, “It is true that your feelings got hurt during that game, and it is also true that you usually have fun with your friend”.
When hard days with friends keep happening
If your child often comes home from time with friends overwhelmed or in tears, building skills more directly may help. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills groups teach kids and teens skills in four areas, including managing strong emotions and communicating clearly with others. Parent sessions may help you support those skills at home, so your child gets practice between sessions.
Common questions about after-playdate talks
Q: What if my child won’t admit anything went wrong?
A: Some kids get defensive after a playdate goes badly, so keep listening and stay curious. You can briefly share what you noticed and then move on to asking what they want to try next time. Model dialectics in your own life so they can make space for the hard feelings.
Q: Should I talk to the other parent?
A: If things get tense, a friendly check-in with the other parent may help smooth things over. Keep it calm and open.
Q: What if my child doesn’t want any more playdates?
A: A hard playdate may make your child want to avoid the next one. You can acknowledge that it felt bad and suggest a shorter or more structured playdate, so your child has a better chance at a good experience. Keep in mind that avoidance creates more anxiety, not less, so gently encourage them to continue interacting with friends.
Talking through a bad playdate may get easier with practice, for both you and your child. If hard days with friends keep coming up and you’d like more support, our team can help. Mindsoother Therapy Center offers DBT and skills-based therapy for children, teens and adults, along with parent sessions. Call us to talk about how we can help.