My Child Says They Are Gay - What Do I Do?
If your child comes to you to have a conversation about them being gay or queer, it can be tempting to think of this as just a phase—something that is a growing fad as we see more and more teenagers coming out as queer nowadays. However, most likely this isn’t a phase; this is likely the beginning of the process of your child figuring out their identity. According to a study at William’s Institute, about 9.5% of youth in America, or roughly 1,994,000 teenagers from ages 13 to 17, identify as LGBTQ+. It’s likely that your teen is going to have a friend who is part of the LGBTQ+ community or that they will identify as part of it themselves. Fortunately, the world is a more accepting place than it was just a decade ago, and this can allow LGBTQ+ youth to feel more comfortable identifying as queer. Here are some parenting tips to help you be supportive of your newly out or questioning teen….
Show as much support as possible when your child first comes out to you.
39% of LGBTQ+ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past twelve months. 71% of LGBTQ+ youth reported feeling sad or hopeless for at least two weeks in the past year. Another 71% of LGBTQ+ youth reported discrimination due to either their sexual orientation or gender identity. These statistics show us that LGBTQ+ are struggling with acceptance and they have trouble feeling confident in their skin. Don’t let their home become a place that they no longer feel comfortable being themselves. Try to encourage conversations about the topic, and ask questions if you’re confused or still trying to figure it out. It’s okay to not know what to say or how to respond. Let your child know that you are still grappling with their identity, while still making it clear that you love and support them always. Make sure they know that you will always be there for them.
Maintain interest in your child’s life by keeping an open dialogue.
When their child comes out as queer, some parents start to develop a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy. Everyday conversations that used to be full of asking about prom and homecoming dates, now fall silent and your child can tell. It’s important to continue to show an interest in their life. Just because they identify differently, doesn’t mean that they are suddenly a different person. They still want you to be interested in their life and what’s going on. This is not just about dating, but about new hobbies and interests as well. Try to show your teen that you know their coming out didn’t change them as a person. If anything, it allowed you to see a more complex and complete picture of who they are. Still aim to be curious about their life. Ask questions about homework at the dinner table, and ask about weekend plans when they come home from school. Encourage an open dialogue with your teen.
Be there for your child when they need it.
Unfortunately LGBTQ+ teenagers are more likely to experience harassment at school. Keep an eye out for any signs of bullying, such as changes in their behavior like isolating or different sleep routines. Let your child know that they can come to you about any issues of bullying if they arise (see our last article). Knowing that you have their back in difficult moments like this will allow them to feel supported and more comfortable coming to you with other difficult conversations.
To reiterate: your child coming out as gay does not change them as a person. If anything, it means that they trust you enough to confide in you. They value your opinion and input and want to feel comfortable with you. Let your child know that you recognize this, and that you will do everything you can to support them through their journey. Take this opportunity to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community and encourage your child to have these types of conversations with you. That way, you can work as a team to help your child be the best and truest version of themselves.