Ways to Help Your Middle-Schooler Manage Anger

Does your child struggle to manage their anger? Do they spiral into fits of anger, with seemingly no way to get through it? Anger is an emotion typically gets a bad reputation because it’s uncomfortable to cope with—especially for kids and teens. But chances are that your child has had their share of “tantrums” without knowing how to respond. We need to help our children understand that it’s normal to be angry at times; it’s part of the variety of emotions they’ll experience in life. It’s what they do with those feelings that matters. Here are some ways to help your pre-teen or teenager understand and cope with anger…

Acknowledge what’s going on with your child developmentally –
Puberty typically starts around 10 to 12 years old, and with that can come angry outbursts. Your child’s anger may not necessarily be caused by the hormones directly associated with puberty, but rather by the brain changes that are triggered when these hormones start to be released. The part of the brain that deals with emotions develops rapidly, while the part of the brain that deals with impulse control, rational judgment, controlling emotions doesn’t develop quite as fast. This can leave kids in a challenging state where emotions are heightened but the ability to control and deal with them isn’t developed yet.

Support them through the difficult emotions –
1. Notice and reach out! If you notice your child has been angrier or more irritable than usual, don’t skirt the issue. Instead, let them know you’ve noticed that something is wrong and invite them to talk when they’re ready. You might say, “I can tell you’re feeling upset. I’d really like to help. Can we make time to talk?” If your child seems resistant, take a step back and wait. No need to force the issue. Instead, say something like, “I can see you’re really angry right now and it doesn’t look like you want to talk. I’ll be in the other room when you’re ready.”
2. Validate their feelings! Taking a moment to genuinely acknowledge their emotional experience can help defuse the situation. Even if the anger is directed at you, or perhaps you don’t understand why they would be angry about something, just recognize that their feelings are valid. Say something like, “I understand how you’re feeling. I’m here to help” so they see that you get it.
3. Help your child name what their anger! Encourage them to describe what their anger looks like when their “anger thermometer” is rising. There are physical signs of anger that your child can start to tune into: stomach clenching, a feeling of tension, feeling flushed, and clenching teeth are just a few. Sometimes when we’re angry, we hold our breath without realizing it. If your child can notice these signs early on, it will help keep anger from escalating to rage. An ounce of prevention can be worth a pound of cure.
4. Offer them coping skills! Having go-to coping skills like TIPP (taking emotional temperature) can help middle schoolers deal with their anger in almost any situation. Other helpful skills include deep breathing, drawing their anger, doing 20 jumping jacks, splashing cold water on their face or listening to music.

Lastly, modeling a calm demeanor when your child is angry will show them that you are not going to act on your own emotions when they are needing support as well. So checking in with yourself to make sure that there isn’t more fuel added to the fire.