How to Respond, Not React, to your Children
Have you ever said something to your child that you wished you could take back? We’ve all experienced that instant feeling of discomfort afterwards. We have all been caught in interactions where we spoke harshly and used words we later regretted when feeling intense emotions. Moments like these remind us that our voice is one of the most powerful and unique tools that we possess. With that, comes great responsibility. What we say to others, especially to our children, matters. Luckily, we can be careful about the words we choose and how we choose to say them. Use the following strategies to model healthier responses in the the most difficult interactions with your children and with others…
Before you speak, it’s important to be aware of your own emotions in that moment. Take notice of when your emotions are rising and then use a strategy like STOP to reduce the intensity. STOP is an important DBT skill that helps you pause and reset for effective communication. When you find yourself wanting to react emotionally to a situation, try the following skill BEFORE speaking.
S - Stop: Freeze, do not let your emotions dictate a quick verbal response.
T - Take a step back: You may need to remove yourself physically or take a few breaths when caught up in one of these verbal exchanges. Counting to 10 can also be helpful.
O - Observe: Check in on yourself, your thoughts and feelings in this situation. After engaging in the first two tasks, is your emotional reaction decreasing? Am I still experiencing this situation the same?
P - Proceed Mindfully: Think to yourself, what would be the ‘Wise Minded’ decision in this situation.
After using the STOP skill, ask yourself: do you still want to react in the same way? Has the time engaging in the skill given you time to think of a way you may respond differently?
This skill can be extremely helpful in promoting positive communication patterns with your children. When taking time to STOP, you will give yourself the opportunity to think about what you want to say, how you want to say it, and choose a more appropriate verbal response. The key is that you will be able to respond thoughtfully, rather than reacting on impulse.
The best part of using STOP is becoming a positive communications role model for your children. In time, they may begin to follow your lead in managing their emotions and their resulting responses more effectively. Of course, there will be times when hurtful words slip and that’s okay; it’s part of being human. The goal is to be more aware of how you’re feeling, pause for a second to think about how you want to respond, and then proceed mindfully when possible.