Helping your Child Overcome School Avoidance
Does your child show apprehension or refusal about going to school? If so, they’re not alone. It’s estimated that 10% of kids experience some form of school avoidance. School avoidance could show up in different ways, including significant separation anxiety from a parent, fear of being in a crowded place, social anxiety, bullying, academic challenges, and low self-esteem. When your kids refuse or do their best to avoid school at all costs, it can leave you feeling helpless or frustrated. So what can you do to help your child develop a more positive attitude towards school? Here are some helpful tips…
What causes school avoidance?
The best way to help your child is to first understand the root of the problem. School avoidance often stems from or intensifies because of big life changes. Perhaps they have a new sibling, they’ve moved to a new town, they’re going to a new school within the district, they’re dealing with parental separation or divorce, or they’ve experienced a death in the family. If you can figure out what might be triggering their avoidance, you’ll be better equipped to help them get through this difficult time.
School avoidance looks like…
Become emotional when school is mentioned
Refusing to get out of bed on weekday mornings
Difficulties falling asleep the night before a school day
Refusal to get into the car before school
Frequent visits to the school nurse
Somatic complaints, such as stomachaches, headaches, and nausea
Calls to parents asking to be picked up from school early
Addressing the avoidance
It’s important to remember that there is likely some anxiety happening at the root of your kid’s avoidance of school. Talk to your child in a calm and neutral way to better understand what may be getting in the way of attending school. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, but in a way that lets them express themselves freely. Try to avoid asking leading questions like, “Are you anxious about not doing well in math?” or “Is the idea of going to a huge high school making you feel overwhelmed?” Leading questions can feed children’s anxiety, so stick to open-ended questions when possible. For example, you can ask “How are you feeling about math?” or “I know you’re starting high school soon. How do you feel about the transition?” You don’t want to belittle your kid’s fears, but you don’t want to amplify them either. Simply listen to them, be fully present, be empathetic, and help your child understand what they are anxious about. You want to send the message that you understand their feelings and that you are here to support them through this.
Further help
There are many benefits of maintaining an open dialogue with your child. The goal here isn’t to eliminate your kid’s anxiety entirely (ex: allowing them to stay home from school), but rather give your child the tools they need to manage their anxiety in school. In fact, allowing your child to stay home from school will actually reinforce their anxiety. Let your child know that you understand the hard work that it takes to tolerate the anxiety, and then focus on strategies your child can use to remain calm: taking deep breaths, imagining themselves in a calming place, or using positive self-talk such as, “I can do this and I can ask for help if I need it.”
Managing school avoidance isn’t easy for kids or their parents. It’s hard to tackle big problems like anxiety in a setting that is stress-inducing. The best thing you can do is talk to your child and do your best to help them through it. If you find that they aren’t improving through these conversations, you may want to involve the school counselor or a therapist. Some extra support may help bridge the gap so that your child is able to attend school regularly again.